I am a clone

I'm moving and I don't know if I can make enough money to afford the new place past the down. I'm hoping pressure will motivate me in my venture, narrowing the vision, giving it more life. But I find it hard to accept any motivation that kills my creativity. I just need to find some air above the water. Just a little. I'm not scared of drowning. I'm mostly water anyways.

My parents were scared people. That's what I remember about them. They were scared to spend money, scared to go into debt, scared of the dark, scared of betrayal, scared of people. But they're baby boomers. The heart of that generation now lies in the fear of letting go: they still don't trust the kids.

My parents don't trust me because they never knew how to teach me. They never knew what they wanted. Not really. They told me at times, but they never showed me. They didn't know how to manage their finances or relationships. They had nice mantras, studied nice words, and they would show me many wise people. Yet, their actions, to me, weren't that wise. They believed in pedestals.

Maybe I should thank them for that. Their divorce shattered their perceptions of relationships and left them without the confidence to build. It also left their children in positions that taught them to be ashamed of their vulnerabilities. So maybe I shouldn't be thankful. My parents curled back into themselves, away from the pain, conditioning their children to seek comfort in the same withdrawal.

They were too afraid to support their children in the ways that encourage growth because they were so badly wounded. They didn't trust growth because they couldn't believe in it. They turned to people for pity and to encourage disdain toward the other, forcing sides. As time passed they withered inward, digging at the entangled balls of emotion that clogged their memories and dreams. But there was too much digging and they got lost inside themselves. Unable to grow and unable to leave.

My mom is drifting slowly into senility, my dad, into a peaceful acceptance. How they've grown with their wounds has taught me so much about responsibility. Maybe I should always be thankful.

I will never make the same mistake. I will never marry for love or because I believe it is something required of my legacy or existence. This is America; marriage is a business. Life is capitalized.