journal04

i got fired yestertoday.

i think i felt angry but i didn't know what to say.

so i steeped in my emotion and let the present wash over me.

if i was truly as confident a being I would have accepted my dismissal with grace but instead i hunched in defeat. i thought, "i just dont want to fight."

i know everything will be okay. in my heart of souls. i know this.

even if i never make another dime.

even if a car hits me on my way to the bus.

am i attached to the feeling of being used or pitied?

probably, in a way. i still feel very satisfied doing nothing most of the time. maybe this 'satisfaction' allows me to feel attached to pity. and it's not that i'm doing nothing, just menial things: dishes, trash, mopping, serving. have i been conditioned to be a janitor? will automation change this? does that even matter?

i'd like to see people be able to use their mind on a daily basis to create something from their imagination instead of being numbed by a fog of repetition.

there was, for a brief bit, while waiting for the bus, a moment free from the depression of debt and the anxiety of the next step. i felt the confidence of potential.

tomorrow, or whenever i wake next, i will have to reorganize my priorities in accordance with society so i may be accepted, once again, into a community that doesn't fully tolerate me, but accepts that i exist. or what if...what if i decide to try to create my own community...?

to have your existence accepted is a wonderful thing. i wonder how long I will take this for granted. i wonder how long it will take for me to accept my own existence.