metapod

JanRobbe

Isolation allowed me to be disturbed. Not as disturbed as my friend across the street. We use to talk on his porch. He was schizophrenic and unnervingly quiet as he chain smoked, staring at something beyond reality. I saw him once walk down his drive way in the middle of the night with a pair of hedge clippers and puncture the tires of cars on the whole east side of the street.

My multiple personalities found life online. I liked creating characters. Each new account I made became a new character, whether it be for email or game or message board. I had anonymous and public avatars; racist, sexist, bigoted personas. Previously dormant, ugly sides were ushered on by subverted anger. Manifesting certain feelings of disgust, arrogance and resentment became addicting. It is easy to be anonymous, making it easy to escape my chronic suicidal depression by abusing stimuli of the pleasure center; porn, games, masturbation and drug use. Avoiding my anger was dependent upon overindulgence and hyper stimulation.

As much as games provoked destructive behaviors they also gave access to a like minded community. I was still lacking intimate or traditionally romantic relationships, which helped breed resentment. But I was not the only one. Many could relate. And I found relating with my friends online, despite shallow discourse, was intimate because we didn't understand any of the next steps to developing. It wasn't until I focused on developing friendships in real life that I was able to see the ripples of my resentment. I could see the effects of my decisions: the expressions on the faces, the breathing, the feelings, the tension.

To learn and become better I had to bench my emotions and be able to listen. It was through learning to be a better friend that I learned about my anger and how my persona managed emotions, which was terrible. Friends helped me decide on purpose through helping me see myself for what I was instead of what I felt I was.

The trickiest part for me continues to be blending my online and offline personas. Friends have helped mend some fractures to the ego but there are still large gaps. The more I write, the more I discover parts of myself. I urge everyone to critically reflect and discover themselves outside of the binges and the brain numbing comfort of exhaustive work schedules. Also drink less caffeine and alcohol and eat less meat when you need to wind down.

I've relied on blaming anyone but myself quite a bit in the past but now I must be my own leader. So. I have only to question myself for my decisions and knowledge: where I come from, where I've found residence and comfort, where and how I've learned to learn and how I continue to. Making my desires known helps me iterate my present moment.

Now there are many parts and types of social networks. Social media is essentially any digital form of communication. This page is social media. As humans we all need and find sources of information as we all need and find ways of expressing what coalesces. Like those microscopic bacteria finding their reality in the streams of nutrients and minerals emanating from the warmth of hydro thermal vents. Given enough time, without much more effort than being present, we will develop our own ways of analyzing what we see, to align it with our truth. I've learned to equate thinking with effort and, well, when I'm thinking I'm not present. It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to be cognitively in the moment.

When Myspace, and then Facebook, came a long I failed to participate. I did attempt. I had a profile with mandatory information, no picture and a few friends who were very good real life friends. But I never talked with my friends through it. Never asked people I had just met in passing to be my friend, or apart of my network. It's hard for me to ask to be a connection. I'm still drilling the idea into my head that a connection doesn't have to be a friendship. I'm building the confidence I should've developed early on, so I don't need to be accepted the way I think, or feel I should.

A part of me thought it would be too hurtful for my raw sense of self to immerse myself in outlets like Facebook and Myspace; which just seemed like extensions of school. My confidence was broken through the bullying and depression in High School and I was allowed to sit with my self pity for too long in isolation. Experience taught me my vulnerabilities would be exploited, and this time, they would be accessible to the world, not just the microcosm of developmental academia. I was paranoid and guarded my ignorance with arrogance. There are good reasons to ignore social media but then, mine weren't any of them. I became a coward unable to face my own arrogance because it was built off the defensive recourse of not caring what people thought of me.

Now I care to certain extents. I care to be kind, to address animals with value, as beings. Those animals include myself. I care to love and experience opening the doors of life as opposed to burrowing into the infinite darkness of my mind. I care to live in a way that will encourage ideas to evolve long after I die. If these meanings become my focus it is reflected through all my states, and can create a very powerful feeling, where no energy is being stifled.

If a feeling doesn't have a why then there is no meaning. Things without meanings atrophy.