poxictasculinity
I was driving down the Hollywood freeway. Base thudding. Windows down. The air was warm with a chill gliding beneath it; the chill of speed. Life was vibrant. The moon was pulsing in a gibbous phase a foot from my head.
I had quit smoking twice in my life, but at that moment I didn't care. When I'm suffering from cancer pains I will regret it again. Though I have faith in science and my awareness growing. Maybe it's misplaced.
That girl. I can't believe that girl. She reminded me of a dream. That might have been the reason I was driving. When something arouses a sense to where it feels like you're being pulled... that's what it felt like..
She's always at a different seedy motel. And I'm always surprised there are so many seedy motels.
I park a few blocks away in front of a few tattered warehouses. She waits on the second story. I call her and she tells me to look up.
Hey.
She's not even wearing pants.
I walk past two Latinos at the top of the stairwell and there she stood, with her head slanted down in that seductive pose, glaring out the top of her eyes. I didn't have a real reason as to why I was even there.
What if I'm friends with her? No one is friends with a prostitute. Prostitutes are the succubi of society. Bullshit. They're just people who were taught certain values. And even though her values were different, some people just resonate on your frequency despite that. They're just that puzzle piece. There are different kinds of love; it's about being able to appreciate them when they come to you.
Or maybe I came to her. We didn't have sex until the third time I saw her. We talked the first two, about where she was from, her experiences there. When she kissed me it felt like a good friend. I kissed back harder. And then she did, harder. And then harder...
She pivots on the edge of a broken heart like a ballerina. She makes me wonder about a lot. But mostly, at the moment, how people respond to hesitation. When I was younger I use to feel disrespected when my intentions weren't reciprocated immediately. Now I understand, people need time. Patience lets our intentions be heard. Silence lets our intentions be felt.
When I was younger and in a situation that lent itself to intimacy, it was my default to be goofy or distance myself. We all have defenses. It takes that one love to show you how to walk. And another to teach you how to breath. And another to show you how to fuck...and another how to please. It takes time to understand the weapons in your mind; it takes relationships. We're all replaceable. But we're all unique... it's funny.
Maybe what loving really is beyond the physical reality... is that expectancy. It's the wanting. That burning...for their touch, not because you expect sex but because you know that both of you make each other happy. Sometimes that happiness is dissonant and diffused through years of abuse. That doesn't matter though. Just take your time, travel at your pace, and appreciate this space.
I had quit smoking twice in my life, but at that moment I didn't care. When I'm suffering from cancer pains I will regret it again. Though I have faith in science and my awareness growing. Maybe it's misplaced.
That girl. I can't believe that girl. She reminded me of a dream. That might have been the reason I was driving. When something arouses a sense to where it feels like you're being pulled... that's what it felt like..
She's always at a different seedy motel. And I'm always surprised there are so many seedy motels.
I park a few blocks away in front of a few tattered warehouses. She waits on the second story. I call her and she tells me to look up.
Hey.
She's not even wearing pants.
I walk past two Latinos at the top of the stairwell and there she stood, with her head slanted down in that seductive pose, glaring out the top of her eyes. I didn't have a real reason as to why I was even there.
What if I'm friends with her? No one is friends with a prostitute. Prostitutes are the succubi of society. Bullshit. They're just people who were taught certain values. And even though her values were different, some people just resonate on your frequency despite that. They're just that puzzle piece. There are different kinds of love; it's about being able to appreciate them when they come to you.
Or maybe I came to her. We didn't have sex until the third time I saw her. We talked the first two, about where she was from, her experiences there. When she kissed me it felt like a good friend. I kissed back harder. And then she did, harder. And then harder...
She pivots on the edge of a broken heart like a ballerina. She makes me wonder about a lot. But mostly, at the moment, how people respond to hesitation. When I was younger I use to feel disrespected when my intentions weren't reciprocated immediately. Now I understand, people need time. Patience lets our intentions be heard. Silence lets our intentions be felt.
When I was younger and in a situation that lent itself to intimacy, it was my default to be goofy or distance myself. We all have defenses. It takes that one love to show you how to walk. And another to teach you how to breath. And another to show you how to fuck...and another how to please. It takes time to understand the weapons in your mind; it takes relationships. We're all replaceable. But we're all unique... it's funny.
Maybe what loving really is beyond the physical reality... is that expectancy. It's the wanting. That burning...for their touch, not because you expect sex but because you know that both of you make each other happy. Sometimes that happiness is dissonant and diffused through years of abuse. That doesn't matter though. Just take your time, travel at your pace, and appreciate this space.
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