Everything's good?

Clock by Pete1987

I'm not going to find it here. If I let my self succumb to a rule of creating and racing it wont be here. This place has to change. Or, it already is.

I met my partner trying to discover purpose. I was trying to write at a coffee shop.

She was acclimating to a foreign land and trying to stay dry from the rain. It was her first day in America. Her skin was dark and she was beautiful.

I didn't think much of anything when we first met. I was fascinated by her energy. Her afro was red, and her face was bright with a powerful flame. We talked for hours about who we were and are trying to be.

During our first date we continued to vibrate with attraction. I've talked with a lot of people and she had been the first one in a long time to appreciate my honesty. I couldn't stop thinking about how strong her attitude toward life was.  After we made out she cried on my shoulder in the backseat of my civic. What a powerful person to be vulnerable with a familiar stranger. It was a scary feeling but I knew she just needed to cry. Sometimes we just need make out with a well-to-do stranger and cry on their shoulder. Makes me recall a few drunk parties.

Years and a marriage later she's still just as fierce. Still the powerful, unrelentingly optimistic, growing force in my life despite us sharing qualms with our humanity.

Our honesty about our anger, jealousy and insecurities are what keeps us revolving in reciprocation of appreciation. Honesty is easy to appreciate if you empathize with how difficult a communicative attitude it is to adopt at certain times.

...While enjoying the bliss of another my old friends die alone. Hands clasping foil. Dry air running past their teeth and lips...

One's lungs froze... Another's heart stopped. Another's failed. Maybe those are the same.

Their bodies, their engines, were driven hard, not cared for, fueled by fire...their veins... their pipes became clogged with smoke and resin, and their mind with sadness and depression.

I can't help you if I can't help myself. Which is dumb. We help ourselves all the time in ways that become unconscious or automated. So, I can't help you if you don't want help. Which is also stupid, I saw sometimes, deep in my friends' pain, they did want help despite saying they didn't. They wanted to feel different. To be different. Their surrounding didn't. A lot of the time our surroundings don't allow that. Not unless you change the way your environment surrounds you. Not unless apart of you dies, and a part of them did, too bad it had to take with it everything I had grown to love in those beings.

I had began a gradual separation years early from these friends. It was so hard because they accepted my addictions. I left all of them. It hurt even more to become alone again. But then I realized I could never be. We are surrounded by each other. We are all human.

So I've been trying hard to be a human. I made new hobbies mimicking how I saw 'healthy lifestyles.' I made it a hobby of discovering what is actually healthy. How I could correct my twisted spine. How I could allow my body the inputs it needed not to feel sad all the time. How to appreciate and pursue things that interested me. Then I tried to make friends from that. But I still don't have close friends like I did; not with the same erratic emotionality. A part of me is still holding on to pain deep down.

I can feel it when I'm alone with my mind without my modes of distraction. I feel their hopelessness. Their pain. I work to distract myself from how painful it is to relinquish a pursuit of purpose and be apart of the machinery. Distractions tend to orient our purpose to that of a passive participant. Which isn't always bad per say, but what kind of messages are we allowing to guide us? To restrict? To permit? Do I need permission to help? Of course. If I don't have patience with destruction how can I expect myself to build anything different?

When you see me. I hope you ask me how I've been, what I've been up to and if I have any plans. I need you to help me engage my focus... that's where we build the meaning. That's where we invest in the humanity.

Wish you well.