12:34

                               Stardust

Justin Currie

Being poor hurts the soul, being broke hurts the knees. 

We are always on an axis no matter how lonely it may seem.

Poor is associated with instant gratification. The depression hurts less when I recognize the standard others deem comfortable.

The area I work now caters to many middle and upper middle class members of the income distribution. I still spend time with the transient, and still, some of the more sane among them seem wealthier in happiness than a lot of the middle class I meet. Can't blame them though, I've learned to grow some comfort in disdain.

What's a quality of life? I've never felt eternally comfortable with organizing mine. Controversy is way too distracting. Seeing others pain is way too intoxicating.

I've liked lacking responsibility. I've enjoyed being filthy, a druggie, an addict. I've appreciated being a student, relearning. I've liked developing structure. I've been entranced by hustling. Now I'm just mesmerized by the words, that don't mean anything other than what you think they mean.

Change means different things to different people. Is change the moment you notice something has become different? Or is it always occurring, no matter what?

If I feel stuck I can summon change by listening to my emotions and then trying to identify them. Listening prepares my mind for a decision. I try to have the idea ready before I act on an impassioned breath. Life can get exhausting if each breath is impassioned. People have told me I sound a bit monotone.

Why am I able to appreciate people when I am? I want to be able to all the time. Everyday. When I'm annoyed as shit. When they wont help me after causing me distress. When they're poisoning me and hacking me to pieces. When I was a more active alcoholic the poison use to be so pleasing.

Bipolar use to be manic depression.

I've always smiled at the devil whenever I've met him, or her, or it. Those points in life that draw the darkness out. You know we all have demons our imagination creates. When I was really little I made the devil into a dark figure outside my window. There is nothing more frightening than the imagination.

When I was in fourth grade I use to dream about a graveyard of dead angels. Their bodies and heads skewered on pikes stretching into the horizon. The sky was black with red. I found a cave in the middle of infinity. The Archangel Michael chained and impaled in the middle. He talked to me. Told me suffering was part of it. Don't remember exactly what he said though. His words sounded like Shakespearean gibberish.

Don't think I was abused sexually as a child but you know, that can be repressed, so maybe I was. Maybe it's a sexual abuse to encourage modes of behavior, or promote hormonal tendencies, in association with gender expectancy. Like physical aggression and competition in boys and attractiveness and agreeableness in girls. Then what are any of us doing?

I don't think it's a bad idea to constantly analyze the traits rooted in traditional development. But how do you deal with the people who aren't encouraged to change their language? Who have children that come to embody their own opposite principles from yourself? I guess I just have to focus on myself; my language. Making it as clear and distinct as I possibly can so I can discover what it is about humanity I agree with.

One time I was getting a handjob in a massage parlor and retracted my consent mid job when I grew paranoid of the police coming in. I was also high. The woman was older and polite. She was like, "no, no, it's okay. You finish." I was in paranoid shock, quietly and insistently telling her to stop. Maybe all of that panic helped me cum faster.