afraid to belong

Chameleon Day by Chas Mandala

Humanity is a growth. An infinite series of fractals bending on vertices in, around and beyond the structure of what we can conceive of as matter. A giant mind coalescing with a plane of reality at a seemingly infinite amount of conscious points; expectancy filling distances, aligning planes. I will spend my whole life aligning my expectancy with my reality. My expectancy is the ultimate root of all anguish, torment and regret I put myself through. It is why I feel I am not enough or am better than where I am. This 'why,' and its answer, keeps myself stagnant.

For a long time I was my own lazy student.  It was difficult to appreciate my privilege because I was not being taught how to value human interaction in a way that promoted learning and growth. My parents had read me the religious text when I was young, and constantly read to me throughout my young life, but the way in which they practiced life... discarded a certain will to promote the best parts of others. I never learned how to push myself. I was taught my parent's cultural bias and they gave me tools like sarcasm, and other derivatives of anger or symptoms of discomfort, to defend my proxy foundation. After their divorce I became a very quiet, cynical person. In high school that cynicism turned inward as my persona and self image developed a cursed quality.

Certain expectancies are conditioned from different periods of life. I use to want to be old. Now that I am, I don't care anymore. I don't care about so much more than I thought I would and it's scary. I thought I would naturally grow out of entropy. I never admit it to people though because then people would look at me with that condescension, like, they think I don't treat things with merit or appreciate the world around me. I've learned to and am still learning to appreciate, very much, thank you. A well timed fart will always make anyone smile.

As I age I see my once close friends pursuing the American nucleus, chasing goals derived from their comfort. I see how different our values were from the beginning. But not even a majority of values have to align for a person to find meaningful communication or to establish a long lasting connection. Agreeableness isn't as important as reciprocity when finding meaning. This is because honesty is a vital part of communication. It is hard to be honest; to find truth. It requires effort. Finding people that can reciprocate honesty and appreciation are instrumental in developing stages to pursue self awareness. It's easier to learn to be yourself around people that can tolerate your farts.

I think the same thing motivates all of us to create. We want to change existence. To realize what larger bodies and minds we fit apart with. Piercing through the upper atmospheres of the unconscious. What vision do you have for communication and improving lives through systems you are a part of?

I never learned how to be on trend or to follow the direction of immediate discourse. It never seemed that immediate to me. It didn't even seem to warrant response. In school I was always the one who would do the opposite on purpose but it was never for attention. I never liked the attention. It was just to understand how I could. Luckily a few people found that interesting.

When I was very little I had my first major birthday party where all my friends attended, my parents (still amiable) brought everyone together to watch me blow out the candles on a cake. I couldn't. I saw everyone's anticipation and I cried and hid.

I know some don't have parents. I know some get abused very terribly. And for a smaller percentage the abuse is a lifelong debilitation ... Not to say suicidal depression isn't one. Sometimes I wish I had struggled differently. But then I realize my struggle orients me toward where I find value. Everything I've learned to value is because of what I (have been allowed to) face. That helps me celebrate a little bit everyday. When I get beyond myself I am able to see the roots of the hurt, and eventually I wont hurt the same because I will understand, along that pain's deepest frequency lies the origin of that feeling within my body. It is not hurt but it is what the blind mind had associated.

I've had a lot of role models teach me the value of life but I never understood my own value among others to be of anything more than the space the body was granted by its matter. My cursed persona never fully relinquished the reins. It's wound in my mind the same way scoliosis is wound to each vertebrae. Though I've taken steps to unravel the knots, the structure was formed long before I was aware it was twisting. There will always be order in chaos.

Fear keeps me in place. Maybe because I felt as though I've built something a part of me respects out of the ashes of my addiction and depression. I must remind myself constantly that wanting change requires identifying the problems that keep me from doing so. When I seek I am not dwelling on what keeps me scared even though there's a large part of me that just likes to stare and admire the obstacles for their existence....