, the fuck down
Curved Reality by Pavet
I am both the ghost and the machine.
The decision making bodies of my society have automated a lot of the way I govern myself. The politics, the corporations, the institutions... My ways of life are guided and governed by the ideas society adorns and idolizes. America fought for independence over my right to pay taxes. Trains romanticized westward expansion; now I take public transit to my corporate job. I maintain appearance so I can connect with people on a level they seem comfortable with. The stress is subverted and convoluted in expectant and toxic behaviorisms. I saw my toxic behavior most evidently when I was gaming. As I've said if you read a few years back, there were, and still are, parts of me, minds of me, that expect dominion and need to die before relinquishing the reins of pain and angst. I suppose all this is me trying to kill them.
Growing up for me was painful, as I'm sure it is for a lot of people. It's hard to know how one fits if we can't align our priorities with that of those that teach us. The frustrations build inside the body and mind, eventually releasing in a medium one might feel protected, perhaps in anonymity, through expressions one might objectively consider disgusting.
Should you separate the art from the artist? Yes. There is value in understanding what provoked the expression. There is value in understanding pain.
Despite my powerless subordination to governing systems I'll never understand I still feel entitled to the responsibilities of my own mind. I develop my awareness so that I may be in a space without inflammation. When I'm not focused on the harm I can spend more time with my breath and deciphering meaning from my failures.
There are social programs in place to help adjust the congruence of those displaced by racism, poverty, mental illness and colonialism. These programs are not enough and will never be. They are antibiotics to a viral infection. Our governing machines need the bodies; the raw energy at the bottom of the pyramid. Once the bodies develop awareness and autonomy the pyramid inverts itself. As it only can. I wish our systems didn't develop on the back of oppression or elitism. Knowing that helps me understand why the machines we create have to be greedy in their pervasiveness in order to function. Look at our tech companies; I think I prefer Facebook over China.
Controversy and dissonance devour the holy space of the mind faster than the plague we've brought upon ourselves with our exhaust. I guess I've been taught enough to see my pessimism as a tool to sculpt my optimism. I always tell myself in my resistance of what feels to me like forced communication: there is time to orient individual perspective, the mind will always be trying to coalesce, and if we aren't oriented with harmony there will be a lot of pain.
As a human I'm as blind and savvy as the rest of the livestock.
There is an immortal I frequently speak with at the park. Bald guy, mixed race, couldn't look above 40 but he is closer to 60. He had astounding focus when speaking or engaging in an exercise. He seemed human to me. A very loving, relaxed and open human; but a human. He was there today with his pit bull which is probably the most happily relaxed being I've ever met. He was with two darker women whom he was physically training.
In one of our asides he went on about a shadow government. He told me my birth certificate and signature was worth a million dollars and he asked why the letters on federal notes are always capitalized. I asked him if he had a YouTube channel. He didn't. I'm getting fucking lazy.
And I can't be lazy. Well, I will be in my own way, but I also need to connect. I've always been told to ignore people that think they know everything. Generalities are lazy. There is something to be gained from everyone... and given to. Everyone has their own insight into my pain and can teach me how they dealt with their own. The shadow government is an abstraction he developed to quantify oppression. The inequality is deeper than that.
Sugars and fats. We poison our meat like we abandon our children. Don't worry about the anger. No time for blame. I think we're beginning to see that all our children are born to lead; that all of us are born to lead. If we have examples of our love and growth to learn from; our children (that means you as well) can only expand upon our lessons. Our growth is exponential.
I don't like the idea of copyrights. I'm made of everything that surrounds me and life that has come before me, as I will compose life that will continue after.
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