PIII

Artist: NIN

So I tried to die. A lot.

I would drink. A lot. I would pop pills and smoke weed and drink, a lot. But it was the way we were taught. Ya know?

I listened to a lot of rnb, rap and emo while I did this. I would drink alone and walk for miles around my city. I wanted to disassociate from popular society by following, in my own seclusion, the routines which it popularized. It made no sense. I didn't think about that. I just felt really sad and I would write about how sad I felt. I wasn't able to connect with any motivation to do anything other than write about that lack of motivation or dive back into video games.

I had no vision of who I was. I felt so arrogant that I knew about this digital world that no one else seemed to. And now, no one looks up from their phones.

So I drank and did all this shit and found some other people that did too. Those relationships didn't last very long.

Romance genuinely makes me angry at myself because I don't have more sober experiences with people. I think I love everyone sometimes, and I want to believe that I'll do whatever I can do to bring love and beauty into the world. But I still sabotage myself to feel pity. I might be in love with heartbreak more than the idea of being with another person. Perhaps I should try loving the feeling of love.

Because of this distrust in love, I've never had sex in a meaningful relationship. I don't trust others enough to connect on that intimate a level. Maybe that's because I put sex on this pedistal. Like it's this covetted act of progression in life. I don't think sex is worth the objectification and superficiality that the culture imagines and sells. Maybe I just need to look deeper in myself and enjoy the sensuality of it. I think stopping porn will help.

Don't get me wrong. I've watched years of pornography. But, I don't think it's done any good for me really. Sex depends on the person and the type of relationship you two have. The physical body can only have sex in so many ways, the foundation is laid. It's not like there's any secret to this phenomena. Good sex relies on riding and building passion; on absorbing the feelings; caring to explore and experiment the most intimate physical act of communion you can with another human. It's fun because you get to see all the different types of bodies and personalities attached to them. It's fun...as long as you don't get attached. Love isn't dependency--or maybe it's whatever it needs to be.

When I was skinny from the drugs it was mind numbing recalling the previous nights. Confidence has never come genuinely to me until recently. And not in large amounts. Employment changes priorities just as children do. I wonder if I'll understand soon that love is just being with someone, and not feeling that you need to.

-0

Why are we... us ... why are us so offended all the time? Why am I so offended every time I mimic the past? We're just etching the rungs of our snowflakes. It's our time; the anxiety of physical interactions we are wired to want by a certain age. I don't trust my heart enough to survive the battlefield so I play safely along the banks.